(May 1, 2001) -- Back in the early 1950s, Senator Joseph McCarthy was able to get the American people to believe that there was a communist under every table, crouched behind every bush and hidden in every tree. Although the man had more than a few screws loose, he had the basics right. Now I feel that it is my turn to adopt his principles and get to work on eradicating an evil of a different nature: boy bands.

That’s right. At first there were a few boy bands; they were cute, girls loved them and they sang about love, puppies and pink things.

Then it got out of control. It was going great for a while – little girls  “fell in love” with and got obsessed over these prepubescent make-uped and chest-shaved band members. And instead of spending their money on addictions their parents would like to think they knew nothing about (read: pot), they chose to invest in Backstreet Boys posters and limited edition behind the scenes videos.

Which is all fine and dandy with me, if it all just stopped there. The music scene today is a big joke. It’s not about art and making something beautiful anymore; it’s about capitalizing and making as much money as possible with the use of clever marketing schemes targeted at little boys and girls who really just need role models at this point in their lives. (Funny, we put the cigarette companies on trial for this.)

Now as if boy bands weren’t enough, girl bands are popping up like mushrooms after the rain; if only we had enough pesticide to “take care” of them all. Take an ordinary girl (or boy), add the right amount of make-up, put her on the right sort of diet (and in clothes that reveal just the right spots) and you have yourself a pop star.

The reason I need to adopt McCarthyism is so I can unite the citizens of America to fight this battle against boy bands. You think they’re only making bands, but no my friend, you’ve been had. It’s a conspiracy. Every time you’ve bought a Nick Carter collector’s edition action figure, you have fed the conspiracy. Because unknown to you, all the pennies you save up in your piggy bank and wasted on that doll have gone to the pockets of the money-hungry men responsible for this pop phenomenon.

And pretty soon they’re going to buy all the weapons that our good old country is selling to developing third world nations, and they’re going to blow our planet away, and then go colonize the moon in the spaceships you paid for! So everybody, stop buying records and let’s make our own music. Just a thought, anyway.