A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience.

Seeing God, she asks, "is my time up?"

God answers, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decides to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. Since she has so much more time to live, she figures she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she is released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she is hit by a car and dies immedietly.

Arriving in front of God, she demands, "I thought you said I had another 40 years. Why didn’t you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replies, "I didn’t recognize you."

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A young lawyer meets the devil at a bar association convention and the devil says, "Listen, if you give me your soul and the souls of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm."

And the young lawyer says, "So...what’s the catch?"


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Two backpackers are hiking through the woods when they see a bear about to charge them. One backpacker quickly takes off his hiking boots and changes into running sneakers.

"Are you crazy?" exclaims the the man. "You can’t outrun a grizzly!"

"I know," says the man as he finishes tying his sneakers, "but all I have to do is outrun you!"

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Three women die together in a car accident and go to heaven. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. Although they try their best to avoid them, within just a few minutes, the first woman accidentally steps on a duck.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains the man to her and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman trips and steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, with another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment he gave to the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, wishing to avoid the horrible fate of her friends, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Without a word, St. Peter chains them together.

The woman is overjoyed and exclaims, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for eternity?"

The guy says, "I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!