Turning people down isn’t the most fun thing to do, but it’s a basic necessity. If you’re in a skirt and have a pulse, by the time you’re about 18 at least one person who looks like they’ve just been released from the zoo has asked you out. If they haven’t, count yourself among the blessed few who have ascended the mere mortal status of “eye candy” to “don’t-even-try”.

But for the masses who have had to nimbly dodge the advances of Swampman, here are a few tips that, while not being the nicest thing to do, will keep you safe until the tender age at which you are asked out by someone not closely related to Godzilla.

Case one: He’s been talking to you for a while and you realize that he’s considering a tactical advance, nip it in the bud! Make yourself unattractive in someway. If he finds modest women beautiful, bust out the 1920’s and lower the neckline and raise the skirt. While you shouldn’t do anything so drastic as shaving your head, there are always mild things you do that may be a turn-off and thus shoo him away very subtly.

Case two: If you’re a boy and some girl closely resembling a hyena is leeching on to you doesn’t get the subtle turn-away, you must embark upon plan B. Fail to show any interest. She texts you “Hey, baby”, respond with “Hi.” She reaches for your hand, casually run your fingers through your hair. Failure to display an interest is an excellent hint for her that asking you out will not end with a positive answer.

Case three: However, if he drops the Will You Date Me? bomb, you can go one of two ways. One, you can be honest and try and let them down gently. This is definitely the better option, since it simplifies life and sooths any petite wounds inflicted by the unreciprocated love; it may even save the friendship. Unlikely, but we all have our dreams.

Two, lie. Make up a reason; it doesn’t matter how ridiculous. If she asks why, say you want to remain single (while, coincidentally talking to three other girls). If you enter a relationship with a different girl shortly thereafter, you never said you wanted to stay single forever. You could also use a very popular excuse: I’m gay (or I’m straight/not gay/of questionable sexual orientation, depending on whatever cranks your tractor). It’s hard to argue with that.

Should the rejection not deter the human equivalent of an octopus, pull out and dust off selective blindness. He says hello, you strike up a conversation with someone else about your “boyfriend” (whose is, coincidentally, your male cat) and act like they don’t exist. If they’re in any of your classes, this gets simplified since your apparent “obliviousness” to their existence is quite noticeable. This almost always solves the problem. Octopus goes off and harasses someone new and you are free (until the next slime ball rolls into your path).