Richmond Elementary School,

Sussex, WI

“Ew! That’s yucky!” said third grader Sally Peterson. Fourth grader Eddy Hansen had reportedly picked up an unwrapped jolly rancher off of the cafeteria floor and stuck it his mouth.

Mrs. Beaster gave the jolly rancher in question to sixth grader Jenny Hoff for spelling the word “Hippopotamus” correctly. Hoff brought it to the cafeteria with the intention of eating it as a snack after her lunch. According to witnesses Hansen asked repeatedly if he could eat the candy and then proceeded to lunge at Hoff, knocking it out of her hand onto the floor.

“Everyone knows about the five second rule,” informed sixth grader Matt Garcia, “I counted, it was sitting on the floor for a whole nine seconds before he ate it, and I even used “Mississippi” in between my numbers!” According to Garcia, Hansen has a history of disobeying this code of conduct.

Hansen has a reputation of crass comments and immature gestures. His spare time is spent thinking up new things to shock and surprise his peers. His fellow classmates all agree that this time he has gone too far.

On the flip side, Bobby Clem thought it was preposterous that the other children were not thrilled with this spectacular event. He then proceeded to ask, “Have you ever eaten a worm?”